This week's assignment is a doozy in that it requires us to take a peek inside Al Gore's brain and discover, amongst all the dust-gathering copies of Earth In The Balance, the following: What programming will appear on Al Gore's cable network, "Current"?

Sure, Gore's promised to stike out a bold and separate course from the one chosen by the Titanic Air America, but let's face it: that's about as likely to be true as any of his 2000 campaign press statements. Anyway, I've managed to grab a draft copy of the upcoming network's programs. Here's a sneak peek:

6:00a.m.-8:00a.m: Wake Up With Al Gore! promises to be an exciting way to start the day, with the former Vice-President reading Moveon.org's latest press release, discussing his latest inventions or proclaiming Bill Clinton the greatest president in history. Gore's comedic timing, expressive face and sense of humor will awaken you like no coffee in history!

8:00a.m.-noon: The Morning Bile w/Howard Dean and Janeane Garofalo will be must-see TV, as the two take on topics generating buzz, such as "President Bush: Hitler or Uber-Stupid Hitler?", "Republicans Are More Evil Than Satan and Must Die!" and "Fairer Taxes, or Everyone Pays More Except for Politicians and Actors". You won't want to miss a second of this; get that TIVO set today!

Noon-3:00p.m.: Join Alex Baldwin as he regales everyone with amusing anecdotes and clever jokes during I'm Moving To Canada When You F**king Make Me". Laugh until your sides ache as he describes stoning your political opponents to death! It'll be the best after lunch pick-me-up since crack cocaine.

3:00p.m.-6:00p.m: While others are driving home, enjoy your afternoon watching Sen. Ted Kennedy in The Traffic Safety Report, where he gives all the advice you need to cover your political ass get home without drowning safely. Pay close attention to the traffic reports; watch for news of bridge closings, rising water and campaign staffers, all which can cause you trouble.

6:00p.m.-midnight: The Streisand Show stars our very own Funny Girl offering advice on how to become better stewards of the environment.
Warning: the electrical interference from her house creates a blackout area within 20 miles of Barbara's home. Please ride your bicycles to a position outside the affected area to watch.

Midnight-6:00a.m.: Join us for Movie Time, where you will be treated to the best cinema Hollywood has to offer, such as The Day After Tomorrow, Fahrenheit 9/11 and OutFoxed. It doesn't matter when you watch; you can't lose!

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Pigs competed in their very own Olympics. Events to be added next: Quickest To The Slaughterhouse, Tastiest Bacon and the new Pinto Beans with Ham Hocks, which is sure to be a crowd favorite.

Voters in Wisconsin are breaking out the catnip and yarn to bait their traps. Yes, it's open season on cats.

Some years back, the Richmond Times-Dispatch stopped carrying Chuck Shepherd's column, probably for including snippets like the following:

A female Zimbabwean athlete who had won several track and field events at meets in Botswana and Mauritius was arrested in Harare in February after authorities discovered she actually had a small penis. Samulkeliso Sithole, 17, said she was born a hermaphrodite but that her parents had paid a traditional healer to make her totally female, and, "because" her parents failed to pay the healer's full fee, the penis had begun to grow. [News Limited (Australia), 2-10-05]

I'm going out a limb here and guess that it was probably the other female Zimbabweans that caused it to grow. Call me crazy.

The first Mother of the Year candidate appears in this story. Excerpt:

A mother is under arrest, accused of selling a 12-year-old daughter into prostitution and trading a 14-year-old daughter for a car.

I know that flogging is illegal in this country, but I kind of think no one would mind in this woman's case.

News flash: water is wet and size matters. Well, duh.

A two-seater bike for one. Now all those losers at the ST conventions can ride in style.

I bet you didn't know that today is Blame Somebody Else Day. Like I need a special day to scapegoat someone.

Another good reason to not fish using dynamite. Just an FYI.

Well, I suppose this is one way for vegetarians to enjoy the warmth and feel of a fur coat.

Newest sandwich creation from McDonald's: The McAfrica.

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Found this link over in the comments at Ace's place. Imagine: some people believe that there ought to be some controls over the judiciary. Oh, you mean that there are such controls? The legislature has always had the authority to limit the purview of courts instead of meekly submitting to whatever heroin-influenced ravings a particular judge might scribble out before sniffing a line of cocaine to reduce the effects of the crash? Will wonders never cease.

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Interesting invention here. You hook up your toy, login to the website and then let someone stimulate your gizmo remotely. Talk about your safe sex.

And it doesn't stop there. Now men can... I'll excerpt from this article instead:

But it gets even better. You probably want to stick to the dashboard if you're at the office, but for home use, the Interactive Fleshlight is where it's at. The Fleshlight is a standard, sleeve-style vibrator for men, with a twist: It's also a transmitter. It measures the speed and force of each thrust and communicates those metrics to the software, which translates them into vibration and pulse on the other end.

In other words, a man can be thrusting in Cleveland while a woman is penetrated in Seattle, and the cybersex experience gets one step closer to the holodeck.

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I'm always the last to know. Must be what happens when you avoid a certain UNC-loving blog after said team wins the NCAA men's basketball championship, although, truthfully, I kind of deserve any gloating which she wants to administer to me. Anyway, long story shorter, Cal Tech Girl has moved, and she's now one of us.

Sigh. Guess I have to update my pull-down menu again. It's just that I'm so damned lazy.

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1 actually, if you hadn't been so chicken you would have seen that there was no anti-dook gloating. Just some wholesome pro-Carolina rhetoric, nice pictures and some Illinois-baiting... You'll notice the new site is more friendly.

Posted by: caltechgirl at April 12, 2005 08:05 PM (iCaDI)

2 I believe the word you're looking for is cautious, not chicken. Then again, BUCK-BUCK-BRRAAWWKKKK!

Posted by: physics geek at April 12, 2005 09:48 PM (Xvrs7)

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Don't worry; no one else does either, since I've spent my entire "career" laboring in obscurity. However, I've finally found a group of misfits, losers, geeks, dorks and dweebs still living in their parents' basement who will pay big money for my autograph: fans at a Star Trek convention. My 30-second appearance as Red-shirted Cannon Fodder #3 in episode 13 has garnered me more attention than any of my other roles, including Guy in Drive-Thru in Coming To America. I've even almost been offered sex for my John Hancock. Either that, or she just told me to "Fuck off". Regardless, my social calendar is completely booked for the rest of the year, as I will be appearing at DorkCon XXIII, LoserFest XIV and PizzafaceQuest III.

The SAG Unknown Bit-players Card: don't leave home without it.

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TNT of Smiling Dynamite suffers through the 6th anniversary of her wedding at gunpoint to Harvey. As she looks back over the ruin her life has become, April 9 stands out as the worst example of a lifetime commitment that only 13 tequila shots can buy.

Give her credit, though: she did try and escape from time to time. After watching a Discover Channel special on the Flying Walendas, TNT made her most daring attempt yet, which was captured on film here:

Sadly, Harvey managed to pull the rope back just before freedom was achieved. And I have a description of something even more outrageous in the extended entry below. Click only if you have a strong stomach: more...

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Claire Wolfe's latest Hardeyville column is a good one: Twelve Tips for Toppling Tyrants. She pays homage to Douglas Adams with Point #1. Excerpt:

POINT ONE: The same advice applies everywhere in the known (and unknown) universe: Don't panic. No matter how terrible things get, panic won't help our cause. As a very wise person recently observed, fear of government's power to control us is a more effective control mechanism than most of the government's actual control mechanisms.

POINT TWO: Don't allow your enemies to push your buttons. When they can keep us in perpetual reactive mode, the opponents of freedom control us. We will never win by pursuing a purely defensive strategy.

By all means, get angry. Indignant. Outraged. Stay informed. Take action. Don't just roll over and tolerate injustice -- ever. But think how power-hungry tyrant-wannabes must laugh to know they have the power to make us run around like Chicken Littles every time they propose some ghastly new act of evil.

If you must react to bad news, be clever and use the news to strengthen your own cause and to help victims of abuse. Be proactive, not merely reactive.

It's a good 'un. Read it all.

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Too effing bad. At least, that appears to be the gist of this article. Excerpt:

United Virtualities is offering online marketers and publishers technology that attempts to undermine the growing trend among consumers to delete cookies planted in their computers.

The New York company on Thursday unveiled what it calls PIE, or persistent identification element, a technology that's uploaded to a browser and restores deleted cookies. In addition, PIE, which can't be easily removed, can also act as a cookie backup, since it contains the same information.
...
When a consumer goes to a PIE-enabled website, the visitor's browser is tagged with a Flash object that contains a unique identification similar to the text found in a traditional cookie. In this way, PIE acts as a cookie backup, and can also restore the original cookie when the consumer revisits the site.

While consumers have learned to delete cookies, most are unaware of shared objects, and don't know how to disable them.

Mookie Tanembaum, founder and chief executive of United Virtualities, says the company is trying to help consumers by preventing them from deleting cookies that help website operators deliver better services.

"The user is not proficient enough in technology to know if the cookie is good or bad, or how it works," Tanembaum said.
[editor's note: Fuck you, dickwad]
...
Using technology like United Virtualities's to circumvent consumers could cause a backlash, JupiterResearch analyst David Schatsky said. The research firm found that many consumers understand cookies, and may be willing to allow some in their computers, if they are given the choice upfront.

"(PIE) sounds like it flies in the face of what consumers are telling us," Schatsky said. "They're seeking privacy and control, and if this is denied, then they won't be happy."

Tanembaum also warned against using PIE to thwart consumers.

"Any abuse of this technology is not welcomed by us," Tanembaum said. "We believe people should use this technology responsibly. If people don't want cookies in place, then (their browsers) shouldn't be tagged."

Consumers can make PIE inoperable by raising the security settings in their browsers to its highest level, Tanembaum said. But he acknowledges that such a high setting would also hamper consumers' ability to visit non-PIE websites.

But there is hope: "For its part, Macromedia has posted on its website instructions for disabling shared objects uploaded to browsers. "

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Thank Wizbang for the following story. It was far too bizarre NOT to post a link to, but it's pretty gross. Excerpt:

Upon interrogation, Lohman confessed to cutting the woman's hair and to cutting the hair of Asian female students at least eight other times, University communications director Lauren Robinson-Brown '85 said. All of the hair-snipping incidents occurred on campus, Davall said.

Lohman also admitted to pouring his bodily fluids into the drinks of Asian female students on more than 50 occasions, Robinson-Brown said. The fluids poured into the drinks were semen and urine, Lt. Dennis McManimon, the Borough police's spokesman, said in an interview Tuesday.

"In my 23 years in the department, this is clearly the most bizarre case that I've seen," McManimon said.

I should hope so.

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Received via email today:

Carpal tunnel syndrome has become a scourge among today's active and
computer literate population. Men, especially, are becoming afflicted
with this serious health problem.

To help stamp out carpal tunnel syndrome, new mouse pads have been
devised to assist men in their computer operations. Ergonomically improved
mouse pads to support the wrists such as these will enable men to avoid the
pain and suffering associated with this serious health concern.

Click to view image

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

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Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just relaying the following "jokes":

3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
===========================================

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him.

She asks, "Would you like some food? "The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
=============================================
With 450 golf courses and a long history of the game, the Scots take their matches very seriously:
Two Scots golfers were just about to putt on the 16th green, adjacent to a road, when suddenly a funeral procession passes by. One of the golfers, Tam McGregor, interrupted his putting, and took off his hat as the procession goes by. His partner said "That was really gentlemanly of you - paying respects like that". To which Macgregor replied "It was the least I could do. She was my wife for 25 years..."
============================================
And because no list would be complete without a dick or fart joke, I give you this one:

Tae A Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer bellie efter a feastie,
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Start working like a gentle breeze
But soon the pudding wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
a'body's gonnae hae tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
it's like a bullet oot a rifle

Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try tae stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae god it disnae reek

But a' the efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets arrond the room
Michty me! a sonic boom

God almighty it fairly reeks
A' hope a' huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a' better scurry
Whit the hell, it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me choakin'
One or two are nearly boakin'
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile

It wis him! I shout and glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger! They shout and stare
I'm no that welcome any mair

Where e're ye go let yer wind gang free
That sounds jist the joab fir me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' one wee ferty.

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Laurence Simon is a fan of the Houston Astros. Apparently he was less pleased with this outcome than I was. By the way, I'm a Cardinals' fan.

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Received via email:

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

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In honor of my Scottish roots, I give you some images of Scotland. I scanned only a few images so far, but more will follow. Hopefully, the few that I've posted in the entended entry will give you taste, something that will whet your appetite for more, which desire can only be assuaged by traveling to Scotland.

Ith has more. more...

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Dirty diapers and life in general have distracted me from the most important things in life: Alliance assignments. Anyway, Harvey posted a doozy this week: What effect will Frank and Sarah's marriage have on the War on Terror?

I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around this one. However, being the sick, twisted individual that I am, I will make the attempt before the deadline tomorrow.

Update: And here it is:

Top Ten effects Frank J. and Sarah K.'s marriage will have on the war on terror:

10) Frank J.'s feminine side will finally emerge, which will scare the crap out of those manly terrorists. After all, if Frank J. starts wearing pink, no one is immune

9) Terrorist-free zone in Florida will enlarge due to the increase in the number of handguns in the state

Two incomes will allow greater charitable contributions, reducing the number of hobos in Florida, thereby shrinking the pool of Evil Glenn's potential victims

7) Frank will post even more pictures of Sarah K. holding a handgun, which will scare the shit out of the terrorists. They're not used to women being able to fight back.

6) If a terrorist runs towards them at the shooting range while screaming "I would gladly die!!", two shooters are more likely to grant his wish than just one

5) Afterwards, Frank and Sarah will argue over who created which wound

4) Kind of tough to make that call on Swiss Cheese, though. Just an FYI

3) Sarah will finally get Frank to stop leaving his used undies lying around, thereby eliminating one potential biological weapon

2) Their marriage will likely produce its own little anti-terrorism dividends, creating a new Armed Family

And the number one effect that Frank J. and Sarah K.'s marriage will likely have on the WOT:

1) The sight of two more happy, God-fearing, gun-toting Americans will cause some terrorists to spotaneously combust. And that's a good thing.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 03:55 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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For more details, go over here.

I took photos of the William Wallace sword in its natural habitat at the William Wallace Memorial, which I still have to scan and upload. More importantly, I brought home several bottles of Wallace Single Malt Scotch Whiskey Liqueur, which you can purchase at the Whiskey Exchange or The Tryst. The smarter choice, of course, is to trundle your sorry butt over to Scotland and pick some up. I'm just saying.

Truly, ambrosia of the gods.

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I usually head over the Megan's website to read analyses of issues economic, as well as the occassional stab at social issues. Today, however, I stumbled onto a serious discussion about gay marriage. Megan tackles this topic in her usual, logical manner. Excerpt:

Now, economists hear this sort of argument all the time. "That's ridiculous! I would never start working fewer hours because my taxes went up!" This ignores the fact that you may not be the marginal case. The marginal case may be some consultant who just can't justify sacrificing valuable leisure for a new project when he's only making 60 cents on the dollar. The result will nonetheless be the same: less economic activity. Similarly, you--highly educated, firmly socialised, upper middle class you--may not be the marginal marriage candidate; it may be some high school dropout in Tuscaloosa. That doesn't mean that the institution of marriage won't be weakened in America just the same.

This should not be taken as an endorsement of the idea that gay marriage will weaken the current institution. I can tell a plausible story where it does; I can tell a plausible story where it doesn't. I have no idea which one is true. That is why I have no opinion on gay marriage, and am not planning to develop one. Marriage is a big institution; too big for me to feel I have a successful handle on it.

However, I am bothered by this specific argument, which I have heard over and over from the people I know who favor gay marriage laws. I mean, literally over and over; when they get into arguments, they just repeat it, again and again. "I will get married even if marriage is expanded to include gay people; I cannot imagine anyone up and deciding not to get married because gay people are getting married; therefore, the whole idea is ridiculous and bigoted."

They may well be right. Nonetheless, libertarians should know better. The limits of your imagination are not the limits of reality. Every government programme that libertarians have argued against has been defended at its inception with exactly this argument.

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It turns out that Annika's birthday is April 1st. I declined to post every smartass comment that popped into my head, which means I failed to leave one at all.

Annie, I hope it was a great one. And many, many more.

Posted by: Physics Geek at 08:18 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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